I CAN CHANGE
I swore I wouldn't – but I have.
“Do you think you’ve changed?” asked a friend this week. We were meeting for the first time since the birth.
Have I changed? I swore I wouldn’t, a lifetime ago, when I was younger and lived a different life. I said a lot of things like that. But I have changed, I think. Of course I have.
This matrescence thing – it helps, weirdly, to know that “the process of becoming a mother” isn’t just something I feel, but a real transition, physically and psychologically. Like everything that has to do with the female condition – it helps when it’s acknowledged and studied. It helps to be seen.
I’ve changed, and I haven’t. I’m still the same person. I love the same people, and I enjoy the same things. I’m obsessed about the same stuff. But I also find myself reacting in ways I didn’t know were possible. I do things I wouldn’t really have considered before, and it’s not just because it’s “good for the baby.” I visit aquariums, I’m happy to cut walks short, and yes, I enjoy talking with other parents.
My emotions, my body. My relationship with other mothers, with other women. My relationship with society as a whole. My work, my professional ambitions. I know it will all keep changing.
It’s not often something touches our core in that way. It’s a new life, literally.
It’s unsettling and unpredictable, but yes – I can change.
