THE RESET BUTTON
"Have you tried turning it off and on again?"
Not sure what happened to last week’s newsletter – some of you received it, some didn’t. You can catch it up here. Thank you for being you, and for being here!
I was sitting there minding my own business when it hit me. I pinched a nerve and f***** my back. Stopped in my tracks. Forced to pause for the next three days.
A forced pause, but a pause. A moment to sit and suffer reflect. Feeling mostly sorry for myself, but also, taking a real step back. I looked at all the daily tasks I couldn’t do, looked at all the stuff that was piling up, and didn’t even have the energy to care. I felt raw, and hurt, and useless, and in a weird way – it felt good to feel that bad. No, not good, but liberating.
For three days, I stopped worrying, I stopped pretending, and I just hung in there. I did something I hadn’t done in a long time – escape my responsibilities and ignore the work. Leave the room, close the door and lie down.
After a while, I noticed that, contrary to my expectations, nothing had come crashing down. Our daughter was fine. In fact, everyone was fine! Things got done. The food was served, the fridge full, the floor broomed.
It’s not like I was doing all that alone before. I wasn’t alone, but I’ve often felt lonely. It is lonely, to be a mother in the modern world. The pressure we put on ourselves, the choices we’re forced to make, the community we seek, the stuff we do out of habit and can’t seem to get out of.
It took getting hurt, messing my back and not being able to do anything at all to learn how to lean on the people in my life. It took complete physical breakdown for me to surrender and say, I can’t do this and I need your help. The good part, of course, is that I didn’t need to ask for it – it was already there.
